Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
by ex-LongLongHair
Summary: Read it if you want to. If you don't, still read it. Then you can review it and say how bad it was. At least I'll know. I never wanted to write this. I never wanted to do any fanfic about the fifth book. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Leaping from tree to t
1. Default Chapter Title

A/N: This is no big masterpiece, just a little something to fill in the big gaps between other stuff.   


Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix   


Harry stared out the poky little window in the Hawthorn McDonalds, when there was a lull in business. He thought about his teachers, his bed at Hogwarts, his school, and most of all, his friends.

_This had all started when Snape had snapped and ordered him expelled from Hogwarts. Dumbledore had compromised and sent him off on exchange to a Muggle school in Australia. Now here he was, in Melbourne, Victoria, surrounded by loonies and idiots that had been affected by the heat from barbies and other hot objects. In fact, this "Maccas" was way too hot, and the oil floating around in the air here was enough to give anyone pimples.___

A voice broke into his thoughts. "Harry Potter, we want you to come back to Hogwarts. NOW!" it was Fawkes the Phoenix.   
"Do you want fries with that?" Harry absently said. Then he looked at the person, if you could call it that, standing at the counter.   
"Arrgh! Fawkes! you scared me." Harry said, then realised what the Phoenix had said. "You want me to come home?" he said, shocked. "My shift finishes in ten minutes. I'll quit, go home and pack my bags and then get on the first plane back to England."

Hagrid appeared from the crowd walking past on the street. "No need. We've got a Portkey or two around here somewhere." he dug around in his pockets, looking for it.   
"ah. Got it." he pulled out something that looked like a rumpled chip packet.   
"Let's go, Harry."   
"Yep." Harry said as he touched the Portkey. He felt the tug at the back of his navel.

They appeared inside the grounds at Hogwarts, Harry's luggage not so miraculously packed right next to him. Hermione and Ron burst through the front doors. "Harry, we've missed you so much!" Hermione squealed as she gave him a hug, then went to hang off Ron's arm.   
"I missed you too." Harry said, before returning to his normal school life at Hogwarts.

A/N: Sort, stupid and very very unlike me. All the fanfic I've been reading must be getting to my head. Please R/R anyway, even if it is just to tell me it sucked.


	2. Part 2

A/N: Me again, trying to inject some "life" into this mundane fanfic of miniscule proportions. Nothing interesting here, move along.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix

Part two

Harry went back to Hogwarts with not much fuss. It had been a Friday afternoon when Hagrid had brought him back to Hogwarts, and now, after a weekend of mostly joyful reunions, it was as dreary a Monday morning as you could get. Dumbledore had thoughtfully procured a set of fifth year school books, and he had potions first thing Monday morning. Every Monday morning, according to his timetable, in fact. He had managed to get into every class with either Ron or Hermione or sometimes both of them. "Duh!" he said to himself, "That's because we're in the same house!" Harry shook his head. In Australia, it was much different. Everyone went to different classes, no matter what homegroup you were in.

Harry liked it a lot better at Hogwarts than in Australia. Here, he shared a room with his friends, not an overgrown pot plant and several shoe boxes. But the house he had lived in in Melbourne wasn't all that bad. It had a quaint little attic room, and although the garden was rather wild, it had a nice, wizarding feel about it, even though the people he was staying with were Muggles. Apparently there were millions of wizarding schools in Victoria, most of them being in the rich eastern suburbs. Hell, there were about five of them in the radius of about 2 miles, near the McDonalds where he used to work. It was ridiculous, Harry thought, and each of them had around 2000 students each. There was Trinity Grammar, an all boys' school, Xavier, another all boys' school, MLC, an all girls' school, Ruyton, another of the same, although quite a bit smaller, and Carey, the only co-ed one. And around 15 minutes by tram down the road, there was another one, an all boys' school called Scotch. It was hard to believe they were wizards and witches, all dressed up in Muggle clothing, but he felt the sparkle of magic around them.

Harry trudged into Potions, and dropped his books on the table where Ron and Hermione were sitting. They were sitting really close, and were looking at each other as though they wished that nothing was between them, no clothes, and no air. Harry cleared his throat, and they both guiltily looked up.  
"Hi, Harry!" Hermione said.  
"Er, yeah, hi." Ron added, his cheeks burning. Harry greeted both of them, and then sat down. Just then, Snape swept in, looking a lot kinder than he had during the past four years.

"Now class." Snape looked at them indulgently, "Today we will be concocting a potion of your choice. You will have to bring your suggestions to me, and I will either approve or disapprove of them. You have five minutes to make your choice. By the end of those five minutes, I expect I shall have approved a potion of some sort to every group of two or three." He sat back in his high backed chair, and waited. Almost immediately a hubbub broke out.

Harry sensed something was wrong the moment Snape had walked in the room. This Snape was too nice. Way too nice. He looked way too nice too. Something about him was different-nicer, not as menacing. The Snape he knew would have been berating Harry about his absence for the past three months. And on his appearance-long hair and shabby robes. But then again, maybe not. After all, Snape was the one who wanted to get him expelled. It didn't happen, but perhaps ignoring Harry was the best way Snape could get over it. So Harry stopped worrying over Snape's intentions and whether they were good, and got on with choosing a potion.

Eventually, Hermione, Harry and Ron decided they would make a hair dye that was ingested and guaranteed whoever took it bright purple hair. For some completely unknown reason, Snape agreed, and they started on it straight away. Then it hit him. Snape's hair wasn't dripping with grease as it usually was, it wasn't long either. This Snape had had his hair cut. But the hooked nose was the same-just like always. There was no doubt that this person was Snape. But was he really?

About halfway through the lesson, Snape stood up and called for silence. His eyes gleamed. "The time has come for me to take you on a journey to a place far, far away, yet so close."


	3. Part 3

A/N: Hello. Third part, a lot longer than the first and second parts (Nearly double, I think!). My fingers ran away with it, so did my mind. Something to do with a fever, I think. (Yes, fever, sore throat, chickenpox) Staying home for the next week or so would make some impact on how much I write. Go on, read it. It's a little disjointed in parts, but otherwise okay.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Part Three

Snape clapped his hands, and immediately the fifth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins were out of the dungeon, and into something that could only be described as a wormhole. The students were thrown around a bit in the transportation, but when they got to where they were going, they all found they were sitting in seats, robes gone-they were wearing Muggle clothing now, and hair properly dressed. Snape smiled evilly. "You will all stay in your seats until I tell you to get up." A stupid Slytherin got up and started to protest, but was immediately silenced with a bullet from the gun Snape was suddenly holding. Then, for effect, he shot Neville. Not in the head, or the heart, mind you, but in the kneecaps.

"Always wanted to do that." Snape said malevolently, "Anyone who disobeys my orders will get it." He laughed mirthlessly.

Hermione gasped at the carnage, and sneaked her wand out of her pocket. She then quietly proceeded to fix Neville's kneecaps. Snape turned around, looking for the person who had used magic. His eyes fixed on Hermione.

"We are in a Muggle environment now, Miss Granger. I sincerely hope you will not do that again." Snape said softly.

"I'm not afraid of dying!" Hermione threw back.

"Ah, but your fate will be worse than death." Snape leered lecherously.

Harry was beginning to think that this wasn't Snape. "Don't rise to his taunts, Hermione and Ron, even if he does insult you. I don't want anything to happen to you people." Harry poked them in the sides just to make sure they were paying attention. They weren't. Ron and Hermione were listening intently to Snape, who was saying something about their location, so Harry decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to do so too.

"…place called Australia. It is located in the southern hemisphere. It was originally a British colony, but became a separate country in 1901. At the moment we are travelling on a train. It will take us to our destination. You will have to walk a short distance after we get off. You will comply." Snape finished.

Harry swore quietly. He had completely missed the reason why they were there. He asked Ron about it, and Ron just said that Snape didn't say.

The train pulled in at a station called Mont Albert. Snape got them all to line up at the doors, so they would all get out in an orderly fashion. The Gryffindors and Slytherins all got out, and Snape led them down the ramp into a tunnel, and back up a slope, to get them out of the station. He stopped at the payphone, and rang someone. Harry was standing close to Snape, and caught snatches of his conversation. "Got them here…be at your house in 10…no trouble…" was all he could make out. _No trouble!_ Harry thought indignantly, _He killed a Slytherin and maimed Neville!_ But Harry kept quiet, and they all followed Snape docilely along the tree canopied streets to a house.

The house was pretty run down, but the electricity and water were still on, so it was a comfortable place to live in. Harry could see signs of life there-toys, food in the fridge, and model boats in the window. Judging from the school bags, there were three children already living in the house-and they were all pretty young too. It smelt like one of them was still in nappies. Snape wrinkled his nose at the stench, and led them all into what looked like the living room.

"Now, children, I will not hide anything from you. You are in the suburb of Mont Albert, in Victoria, Australia. The address of this house is 13 Black Street. You will be living here for the next few weeks, while we get everything in order. There are tents set up in the backyard for the Slytherins and Gryffindors. Potter, and Malfoy will be sleeping in the attic with my children." Seeing their disbelief, he continued. "Yes, I have three children-Jodi, Cheryl and Darren." He paused. "Oh yes, and before I forget, I will just have to alter something." He waved his wand and muttered something. The Gryffindors and Slytherins gasped. They were shrinking. Growing smaller. Becoming real children again.

Harry groaned. "Great. Not only am I back where I started, I'm also 7 years younger." Hermione nodded in agreement with the second part of his statement. "At least we still have our 15 year old brains." She said, trying to comfort Ron who was now "Shorter than Pig!" according to him.

"Yeah, well with 8 year-old bodies, our lecherous 15 year-old minds can't do much, can they?" Ron said morbidly.

"Ron! I'm blushing to the roots of my hair!" Hermione said jokingly.

Harry stared at them suspiciously. Something wasn't right with them either. Either they had gotten a lot closer over the past few months he had been away, or they too were impostors. Harry shrugged. He wasn't going to start doubting his friends now, when Snape had kidnapped all of them and was keeping them prisoner in an old house.

Snape looked at his work. "Beautiful. Just beautiful." He said to himself. He had used a newly formulated curse on them all to reverse their bodies' growth so that they were younger. The only problem was that it didn't work on their brains as well. He decided to make another announcement. "Well children, you really are children now, aren't you? By the way, I'm not Professor Snape. My name is Malcolm. I would be pleased if you would call me that." Malcolm said.

Ron's jaw nearly touched the floor. "Not Snape…really some guy named Malcolm." Was all he said before collapsing in a heap. Hermione immediately ran to his help.

Harry left them, and went around asking questions of the rest of the kidnapped people.

Malcolm sat down at his kitchen table. _It was only way to get both Potter and Malfoy,_ he thought,_ I'll have to get rid of the rest of them somehow._ His face brightened a little. _Yes, I'll turn them back into their normal selves and send them back to Hogwarts._ So Malcolm began to make a plan.

It was getting late. Harry was tired. Malcolm's kids had come home about five hours ago, after school. Jodi and Cheryl went to the local primary school, Surrey Hills Primary School. They were almost about to change schools last year, but their mother, Annie, had decided against it. The colours of that school had just recently changed from light blue and dark blue to red and green, at the whim of some mother who liked red and green better.

Harry was supposed to go to that school the next day, as was Hermione, Ron, and much to Harry's consternation, Draco. Strangely enough, Slytherin and Gryffindor were the two houses whose fifth-year class had to be kidnapped. _Perhaps Malcolm thought we'd feel more at home in the colours of our houses._ Harry smiled. If that mother hadn't gotten the school colours changed, then Malcolm would have just had to take the Slytherins. _But no,_ Harry frowned, _He wants me. And Malfoy. For what purpose, though?_ He thought to himself.

He climbed the stairs to the attic. It was a long way up. He heard footfalls behind him. Harry spun around, thinking it would be Malcolm.

"Hello Potter. Suppose it would be too much trouble to ask you to shove over." Draco remarked casually.

"Not at all." Harry replied coldly, "Be my guest." And he moved aside, waiting for Draco to walk past.

"Many thanks." Draco said, and brushed past him.

Harry thought a bit. _It's a little odd that Malcolm would be trusting enough to let us sleep in the same room as his daughters-after all, we _are_ adolescent boys._ Harry smiled wryly. Jodi was rather cute, and so was Cheryl. But he had no thoughts of that kind about either of them. All he could think about is that he, Harry Potter, would be sleeping in the same room as Draco Malfoy, in the house of what appeared to be a madman.

A/N: Not really a cliffhanger like last time. Hope you liked. If you did, review. If you still do like it, review. If you don't like it and never will, flame. More stuff coming from me any moment now-more lists!


	4. Part 4

A/N: I think this story is going downhill-but never mind. You people seem to like it good enough. Enjoy it while you can.

Harry groaned. Something was poking him in the stomach, and it was hard, and bony. _Bony?_ He thought, and rolled over. Lying next to him on the carpet was someone else. The place wasn't Hogwarts, the floor was too hard. And no four-poster bed, too. Harry felt around for his glasses, and found them half-squashed beneath his head. After cleaning them on his robes, he could see where he was. He was-had been sleeping on the floor next to Draco Malfoy whose elbow had been poking him in the stomach, in a house unknown to him. Then he remembered Malcolm, Australia and all the rest of it too. So he got up, stretched a bit, and then went downstairs to find some food-he was hungry.

When Harry got to the foot of the stairs, he couldn't detect any signs of life. After examining the digital clock on the windowsill which had obviously seen better days, he worked out it was 6 o'clock. Of course, he could have just looked at his wristwatch instead, but Harry was pretty sure it was set to the wrong time.

While making a lot of noise looking for edible food, Draco, Jodi and her sister, Cheryl, had woken up and come downstairs. By the time Harry finally got himself out of the cupboard, he had found a loaf of wholegrain bread, and a sticky bottle of strawberry jam. There were some clean plates on the table, as well as a stack of cutlery.

"Well," Harry said, "I guess this is breakfast." He plonked the bread and the jam on the table, helped himself to a plate, took a seat, and started spreading the jam on the bread.

Draco picked up a knife, and examined it carefully. "It looks like it's clean. It will have to do." He said, and commenced attending to his own slice of bread. "You going to find some pumpkin juice for us, Potter?" he asked, after swallowing what was an exceptionally dry bit of bread, by the look on his face.

"Pumpkin juice? What's that?" Jodi asked, her eyes round. "We only use pumpkins for soup." She informed them.

"Um…ah…Potter-you can tell them." Draco said, eyeing her apprehensively like a bomb that was about to go off.

"Never mind about pumpkin juice, why don't I find something for you guy to drink?" Harry said, evading the question. Obviously these children were muggles, or at least, they weren't being raised in a wizarding household. Harry got up from the table, bread in hand, and went to the fridge. He tugged it open, and looked inside. Harry wrinkled his nose. "Something's gone off in here." He commented, then began rooting through it, bread stuffed in his mouth. After years of helping-no, working at the Dursleys, he knew exactly what he was going about. Soon, rotten veggies, off ham, and other bits and pieces were flying out of the fridge and into the bin.

"Funny, you haven't got any letters from the Ministry of Magic yet." Draco said, and went back to masticating the bread. It had heaps of big and little seeds in it, and they kept getting stuck in his teeth. He picked one out, and placed it delicately on the plate.

"I expect that the Ministry hasn't got a big enough presence out here for that, also, I do believe we're in at least a half wizarding house." Harry mumbled, as he dragged out the bits of celery stuck in the back corner.

Less than fifteen minutes later, the inside of the fridge was clean, white and shiny. It didn't stink anymore, and Harry had found a bottle of orange juice that thankfully hadn't expired. He got out some clean glasses, and poured some OJ for each of them.

"I see they have pumpkin juice after all." Draco said.

"Oh, so _this_ is pumpkin juice!" Jodi exclaimed as she took her glass.

"Yes. Although I must say it smells slightly rancid." Draco drawled, as he took a sip from his glass, although it didn't come out quite as a drawl. "What the hell is this, Potter?" he yelled, as he spat it out onto the table.

"Orange juice. Don't you read?" Harry said calmly.

"Orange juice?" Draco yelled, "You stick _cloves_ in oranges and hang them on your Christmas tree! You don't drink orange juice!" he pushed his chair back, and stomped away, up the stairs.

Cheryl looked as though she was going to burst into tears, and Jodi was just sitting there quietly watching, as Draco disappeared up the stairs.

"Well, shall we continue on, then?" Harry said, as he pulled another slice of bread from the bag, and spread jam on it. Cheryl smiled, then stuck her knife into the jam jar, scooped out a huge glob of jam, then put it into her mouth. Jodi resumed her systematic pulling apart of a slice of bread, rolling it into balls, and eating them.

When Jodi and Cheryl had finished eating, Harry took their plates and glasses, and washed them all. After drying them, he returned them to their rightful places.

At 8:45, Harry heard a shout from downstairs pertaining to Draco and himself. He put the book he was reading down on the table, and went downstairs. On the way, he dragged Draco away from the bathroom mirror, and took him downstairs with him.

"Get in the Nimbus now!" Malcolm was shouting at Jodi and Cheryl outside, when Harry stopped in the living room. Quietly he commented to Draco, "I didn't know they made multi-passenger nimbuses. Must be a new model." Draco, understanding what he meant, nodded, and they both continued outside to the garage.

Harry and Draco strolled into the garage, expecting to see an extra-long broomstick or something like that hovering there, waiting for them to get on. Instead, there was a car. A silver car, with a three-diamond symbol on the boot and the bonnet. It looked like a station wagon, except instead of having an extra big boot; there was an extra row of seats. Harry looked around the garage for a real Nimbus-a Nimbus 2000. He spotted an old broomstick in the corner, except it looked like it had a blue plastic thing for holding in the twigs, not like a flying broomstick that Harry was used to. Still, it might work. So Harry made his way towards it, signalling for Draco to stay where he was. Malcolm was yelling at his children from inside the car. When Harry got the broomstick, he whispered "Up!" at it. It didn't twitch. It didn't even roll over. It certainly didn't jump into his hand. So Harry picked it up, and carried it back to where Draco was standing.

Malcolm knew that those pesky Hogwarts students were creeping around his garage. He didn't really mind them, they were only temporary. What he did mind was his own children wilfully disobeying him. So he yelled at them. He had decided to be nice to the poms, to try to get them on his side for a while. However, when one of them was waving a broomstick around treacherously, Malcolm's self preservation and aggression instincts kicked in.

"Get away from me, you English pansy! How dare you come in here and try to attack me with a broomstick? After all I've done for you, I've brought you here, I've fed you, I've cloth-hang on, forget that. Well, what have you to say for yourselves?" he shouted, and gave them no time to answer. Harry had barely opened his mouth before Malcolm began again. "Ah, who gives a damn? Just get in the Nimbus, before I decide to do something to you with that broomstick!" He waved his hands around menacingly, but Harry could see that his best weapon was the bunch of keys in his hand. Harry would've taken him on, but the fact that he was now very much smaller, scrawnier and generally younger than what he was normally used to made him stop.

So Harry dropped the broom, and moved towards the car. "And don't scratch the paintwork!" Malcolm snarled as they climbed in the backseat with Cheryl. Jodi was sitting in the front.

On closer inspection, the car actually was a Nimbus-albeit a Mitsubishi Nimbus, but a Nimbus nonetheless. Why they would call such a good broomstick after a car like this was beyond Harry's knowledge, but then he realised the broomstick had been around longer than the car could ever have been.

It took Malcolm three times to get the car working, and even then it didn't sound too healthy. But it managed to work long enough to get them to the school, which ordinarily would have been 5 minutes away by car, but on this run, took them fifteen. As they were parking, the bell rang.

"Dad!" Jodi wailed, "You've made me late for school again!" and with that, she hopped out of the car and raced into the school. Cheryl followed suit only moments later.

Malcolm turned around and looked at Draco and Harry.

"Well, hurry up! Get out of the bloody car, you have to go to school as well!" he growled, as he turned off the engine and got out. Harry and Draco meekly got out as well, and followed him up the steps at the front of the school.

"Now wait here!" Malcolm said menacingly as he went inside. "If I find either of you have moved an inch, I will do horrible things to you." And with that, the door closed, and Harry and Draco were left in the crisp, cold morning of a Melbourne autumn day.

A/N: A big thanks to everyone who has reviewed-I won't put your names down here-you know who you are.

A little bit of assistance is needed- do you poms know what Milo is?

Now there's a reason to review. Tell me whether you guys have Milo in England. Please? Well, I'm sure you'll review anyway. If you don't, bad things will happen to your computer…the back button will not work…ffn will be down…MWAHAHAHA!!!!

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Erm. Yes. Pencilmort and Computermort have joined their forces together…oh dear.


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